The Lonely Stoner

The lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night
He’s all alone somethings will never change
The lonely loner seems to free his mind at night
– Kid Cudi, Day n’ Nite

I had never smoked weed the first time I heard that song. Nevertheless, I loved it and so much of what Cudi had to say.

Four years and two albums later, he came out with “Just What I Am” and I spent hours strutting around my student house, baked off my ass, singing along.

In my spare time, punching walls, fucking up my hand
I know that shit sound super cray but if you had my life you’d understand
But, I can’t fold, some poor soul got it way worse
We’re all troubled, in a world of trouble
It’s scary to have a kid walk this Earth
I’m what you made God, fuck yes I’m so odd
…
I need smoke
I need to smoke
Who gon’ hold me down now?

Since he released his first few albums, Cudi and I have both come forward with our own depression and mental illnesses. His, a tad more famous than mine. There have been few things more influential in the last five-to-ten years of my life than mental health, Kid Cudi, and weed.

If I’m being honest (and why the fuck not at this point?), weed is the big one.

I’m not here to tell you that weed will fix all your problems or that it has fixed all of mine. I’m not going to tell you that there aren’t any negative side effects or that it’s completely healthy. Anybody who does is trying to sell you something.

I’m just here to stop tiptoeing around the fact that I smoke pretty much every day. Sometimes I smoke just to smoke, or for pure recreation, but more often than not, I smoke to live my life.

I don’t stuff my face with doritos, mountain dew, and pizza. I don’t laugh at everything. I’ve never seen a Cheech and Chong movie. I’ve never tried shrooms or acid or coke or any other illegal substance (the gateway drug thing is complete bullshit). I’m not a bumbling dumbass. I have, however, realized that most of the world would be better off if they just relaxed and smoked a joint at the end of the day more often.

The shitty thing is the stigma is still there. At least for me, it is. The mental health stigma is going away and people are becoming more open about their struggles – which is great. But even as I am writing this, there are only a handful of people who know how much I smoke on a regular basis. Even less understand how much I depend on it to not go crazy with anxiety and depression.

I’m afraid that if I tell people, they’re going to tell me the weed is the cause for my anxiety and depression. I have a hard time buying that seeing as I had anxiety and depression before I had ever tried weed and didn’t realize that’s what it was until after I started smoking. I’ve also told that to myself before and every time I’ve tried to stop smoking for a few days, I’m completely miserable. I feel even more alone somehow.

I don’t mind being the lonely stoner nearly as much as I mind being lonely. I know Cudder and I aren’t the only ones.

Note: I was inspired to write this after seeing Cudi on “Red Table Talk” open up about his issues in December, but it took me a month to hit publish. I’m worried some people might take this the wrong way. I still want to say it.